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I can't sleep.

See, the thing is, I really thought Torchwood had already had their massive screw-up regarding death. I want to be perfectly clear: I really hated that Owen and Tosh died. In fact, I still hate it. I thought it was stupid, overly manipulative writing, a narrative that relied on the fact that we loved these people, and now they were - oh, what a tweeeeest! -- both shockingly annihilated in the space of 50 minutes. It wasn't organic; it didn't tell us any truths, besides "Torchwood is dangerous, and your lives are in peril", which I think we already knew. What it really said was "I care more about shock value than I do about nuance, and by the way, fuck you, you're still gonna cry. Suckers."

But Ianto's death... it wasn't like that. He was always going to die, and it was always going to be this way. It was dumb, and pointless, and bleak, and heartbreaking, and we weren't ready, Jack wasn't ready, he wasn't ready - and we were never going to be ready. People don't not die just because we love them.

Someone probably loved those people struggling to get out of Thames House.

So in a way, I felt that Ianto's death had an emotional honesty that Owen's and Tosh's lacked. It came from the story.

"You get what everyone gets. You get a lifetime."

I honestly don't blame La Barrowman or RTD or James Moran or anyone for thinking that people would love it. Because great, classic, love stories tend to end in either marriage or death. And Torchwood, while possessing a sense of humour about itself, is not a comedy.

For me, the problem wasn't that he died. I always saw Jack and Ianto -- and all of Jack's loves, really -- as, well... Jack/mortal beings was always going to end in anguish, wasn't it? And they delivered on that, they really did. Three hankies, consolation at the bottom of a bottle time. (Gwen straightening his tie, that moment in Jack's eyes when he comes back and you can see the memory come back to him... oh, god...)

The problem was I wanted more life first.

"Everything only happens a certain number of times."

Ianto and Jack never got to that last "making the most of it." Nope, 'cause Rhys was making fucking beans. And really, who cares... because we almost never know we were doing something for the last time, when we're doing it. And when we do get to have "goodbye things" (goodbye fucks, farewell glances), we're almost always thinking more about the goodbye than the thing.

And it was an amazing episode -- the stunning misdirection the music gives you, our little band-of-buggered blackmailing the halls of power, the women, the chilling behind-closed-doors social darwinisim, what we do to each other, the sacrifice of innocents...But that's the thing. How can I remember these things, when one of those innocents -- and he was that, in this, for once, our little Torchwood traitor: the only non parent in our main cast, the only one who hadn't, and now will never make the leap into the next generation -- was Ianto Jones? One of the worst sadnesses in this for me is... of this whole thing -- god, it was going so well! -- all I can really see is the goodbye in it.

But...

"It was good, yeah?"

Yeah, it was. It was bloody gorgeous. Exquisite.

What we got from him: a man stands up. You grew up there, Ianto Jones, perfectly at peace with your place in the world. It's not 1965, and you had your Captain, and your gun, and your job to do. I salute you.

So even though it was remarkably stupid of him to be in that room, that's Torchwood, and a man stands up. I don't quibble with the death itself. I believe it. And I know death's a part of life, but it's not only about how you die, it's about the life you lived before that. And Rusty, I wanted a show about life, not about death. You kill things beautifully, you know how to twist a knife. I get it.

These are not the only stories there are. There is more.

Remember, all times are now.

That means: there are still stories to tell. Elseworlds, and fix-its, and what ifs and what happened after. Jack in the future, Jack in the past. Time travel and blue police boxes and vortex manipulators. Alien tech. Gloves come in pairs, but only if worn by two-handed humans. So many stories.

Let's tell them.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 08:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kel-reiley.livejournal.com
1stly, INSOMNIACS UNITE! :D i knew i married you for a reason

also this
The problem was I wanted more life first.

ianto's death was inevitable, but GODDAMMIT he could have lasted until series 4! or even the LAST episode, at least
FUCKING SNOT LOBSTER!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 08:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
So I could keep you company in the long dark teatime of the soul that is 4 am?

I KNOW. IT IS AWFUL. FUCKING SNIFF.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 08:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kel-reiley.livejournal.com
i live in denial

DENIAL! i call you home

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 08:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
I will call you Cleopatra, Queen of Denial!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 08:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kel-reiley.livejournal.com
awesome, she was hot right?

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 09:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] justinej.livejournal.com
I'm sticking with denial too. I don't watch Torchwood to be made miserable.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
It is so TORTUREWOOD.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 10:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lefaym.livejournal.com
For me, the problem wasn't that he died. [...]

The problem was I wanted more life first.


Yes, this. The manner of his death was done beautifully, but I wanted him to have more time. I wanted him and Jack to be happy -- and to know that they were happy -- together for at least a little while. Not too long, but... it wasn't enough.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
I know. This, as a fourth season, or a fifth... would be heartbreaking, but I'd understand it. Maybe even agree.

It's also like they killed Torchwood -- our happy, queer island of misfit toys, and I knew it couldn't last forever, but... damn it, I wanted it to.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lefaym.livejournal.com
Yeah, it's not the same show now.

And apparently most people prefer it this way. I feel a bit like we -- the people who loved it during S1 and S2 -- don't exist anymore.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 11:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] soft2smooth2000.livejournal.com
THIS. yes. everything you've said. gods.

dude. ditto on the insomnia. :) are you as bleary-eyed as I am today? xD

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
are you as bleary-eyed as I am today?

Yes. ;-)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 12:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rm.livejournal.com
Jesus christ, now I'm crying again, and I just got up.

I am so getting that tattoo

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 01:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] troygirl68.livejournal.com
What tattoo? I am curious as I am planning on my first after the summer.

Also, every time I see you with that Cosmo I have the urge to drink. Boy do I need one today.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 03:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rm.livejournal.com
The last two words of IHNIIHBT, "be grand" in script, probably on my arm at teh shoulder or around my bicep or something.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 04:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] troygirl68.livejournal.com
Sounds beautiful, and very, very sadly apt right now. You'll post a pic?

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 04:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rm.livejournal.com
Yeah. I'm not rushing out (also choose typefaces, size and placement, and whether I want to capitalize the first letter and have punctuation and all that), but I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it because it's 100% how I live my life and want everyone I know to live there's. The hook is just the bonus ;)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
WHAT A FUCKING WEEK.

you should.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rm.livejournal.com
I totally am -- it's a matter of size, type face, location and whether I want to do it all lower-case or as it appears in the letter

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 01:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] troygirl68.livejournal.com
I barely slept last night. I feel like a lovesick teenager.

I had to explain to my oldest why I was all teary eyed, THIS MORNING, and she said, "But people are aways dying in Doctor Who" (you have a protege!) and she's right about that, but Ianto and Jack were different. I was more emotionally invested in them than any pairing i've ever watched. So we rewatched the death scene together, and she cried a little too (and she's never watched TW as she's too young).

It was a love story, but we never got to see enough of the love to let it go. Their story was still in its infancy, and we aren't left with enough memories to move on.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
Yes. *hugs* We'll be mourning for a while, sure enough.

I kind of love the moment between you and your daughter though.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] troygirl68.livejournal.com
There are many days and moments when you ask yourself if you're doing a good job raising your offspring. Today was one day where I feel like I'm doing something right. She's 9 and the stupid playground talk about being gay has started, but when I look at her I know with all my heart she saw that moment between jack and Ianto as completely natural. All she saw was the love and the loss.

Let's hope for something miraculous tonight. I am in denial.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 01:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aierea.livejournal.com
That means: there are still stories to tell. Elseworlds, and fix-its, and what ifs and what happened after. Jack in the future, Jack in the past. Time travel and blue police boxes and vortex manipulators. Alien tech. Gloves come in pairs, but only if worn by two-handed humans. So many stories.

Let's tell them.


Thank you so much for this reminder... There are still stories to tell. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
definitely. I hope we keep telling them!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 02:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bodlon.livejournal.com
That means: there are still stories to tell.

And -- hang on, let me get my soapbox -- there is still another episode. Fuck almighty, you would think the actual world had finished ending and that Day Five is just the credits.

A lot can happen in 58 minutes.

And yeah, I had trouble sleeping, too. I got up and wrote a heartbreaking rough of a coda for IEIT which may or may not ever get used. I talked to imaginary people. I lit a candle. I may be a little bit crazy.

And now I am glad I have my own office because I am at work and crying.

Poor everyone. For reals.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 03:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rm.livejournal.com
God, thank you for saying all of this.

I light a candle on Annie's birthday

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
We are all in the same crazy boat, my friend.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 03:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] demondoyle.livejournal.com
Everything you've written resonates with me, especially:

The problem was I wanted more life first.

For instance, if this had been a FULL SEASON stretched out over 13 weeks. As it was, a mere four episodes after we lost Tosh and Owen, it was just WHOA, too soon.

Thanks for this post, it is lovely.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
Yeah, definitely too soon. Sigh.

Thanks for reading!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 04:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darthhellokitty.livejournal.com
As always, you make sense.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
I don't know about always, but thank you ;-)

God. What a crazy ride.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] valancy-joy.livejournal.com
the power of this story is just amazing me. to create such depths of feelings over some fictional character made up outa some words on a page and a young actor with expressive eyes...

anyway...add me to the list of people weeping in their offices today.

There should have been more for Ianto. But that's sort of a given. for anyone. There's never enough time. And he got to tell his sister he loved her ... and he got to tell Jack he loved him.

so yeah. I'm wrecked. and clinging to a stuffed sheep.

But it's one hell of story.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalichan.livejournal.com
That's pretty much where I am.

I'll have more thinky thoughts about the politics later, but now, yeah. It's cling and shudder and look-at-the-story-in-awe-time.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 05:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] valancy-joy.livejournal.com
shit. crying again. note to self. get aholda yourself girl.

anyway. OH THE HORROR ... of the politics. The debate about who is least worthy. Yeah. There's a hella lot more to say there.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-10 09:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] virginhuntress.livejournal.com
You are such an amazing writer.

You convey every single point my heart was trying to make but my brain couldn't get out due to grief.

These are not the only stories there are. There is more.

If there is ONE THING I wish he could see, it's this. I wish he could understand that it's so SIMPLE to kill a beloved character. It's so much harder and more worthwhile to make him LIVE and LIVE WELL.

Thank you for this. Thank you so, so much.

And yes, gloves don't only come in pairs...

(no subject)

Date: 2009-07-11 05:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tomkatt.livejournal.com
I love your comments... but this one stuck out:

"Because great, classic, love stories tend to end in either marriage or death........"

I think that this statement of yours accurately reflects the producers' and writer's thinking. However, I think the fans and viewers were cheated because we were never privy to the love story. It was all happening in the background and we rarely got to experience it. Sure, we saw them wanking in the green house and having a couple of snogs, but that was really about it. I saw no reason, really, why Ianto loved Jack. There was not a lot of "evidence". No post coital chat... no dates... I think that's what made me angry.... We know Ianto was doomed for Jack, doomed at age 27 or doomed at age 72. That part of the story was exciting and honest. But never letting us experience I and J's love was just ...... *meh*.

Thanks for letting this lurker share... :-)

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