the moral of the story is not to go on IM at 4:30am

dear christopher,
when i told someone you IM'd me this morning, the first thing they asked was, "Is he still a jerk?"
i can't really answer that question. it's hard to tell things about radical personality shifts (or lack thereof) from a few minutes of small talk in an instant message once a year. i keep wanting to ask you what you're *really* thinking.
but i won't.

you remembered my boyfriend's name. i'm impressed. i certainly didn't remember your girlfriend's. you say things like you still know me, like you think about me sometimes. it's years later now, and you can still tell what i'm feeling on the other end of a trivial conversation and you can't even hear my voice. you say you've got your own apartment now, in manhattan. you want me to come visit you so i can see it. you'll even play me some songs, you say. i'm sorry, but i don't think so. i remember what happens after you're done playing, and i don't think we need to go back there.

it's strange, chris, how i remember/and don't remember everything. the way you smell, the way your bones are put together. the way you were the only one who could make me feel beautiful, once upon a time. i remember nights when you'd call me up, just to make sure i was still breathing, and then hang up. i also remember how you strung me along, broke me, and then put me back together just to break me again. i remember how you made me feel bruised, and worn, and older than dirt. but it feels like it happened to a different girl. and i guess maybe it did.

i never told anyone the things you said to me in the dark late nights/early mornings.
i kept all your secrets. they always surprised me, that you had secrets, i mean.
it was always a shock to find out that you weren't as shallow as i thought whenever we weren't talking. or kissing. or playing music.

it's strange how i hear from you, and my stomach goes all wavery, just like it used to.
even the memory of infatuation can grip me like nausea, i suppose.

i'm glad you're well and happy.
i'll probably even see you again someday. and hopefully i'll do a brilliant job of not showing that you still mean something to me
and probably always will.

love,
kali

school's out for summer....

all schoolbeastknights are slain.
the kalidragon has emerged, and she is not dead.
(triumphant? that remains to be seen)

tis my last day at work.
now, errands, cleaning, laundry, spending time with d., starwars, picnics, new york, family, shopping, roma.