In which I am made of epic fail

[fictional]

So. If you looked up procrastination in the dictionary, you would NOT therein find a picture of me, because I would've thought, eh, tomorrow's soon enough to send it in, no?

*headdesk*

I have vowed to not sleep before finishing this paper. It is on Doctor Who. WHY CAN I NOT CONCENTRATE FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES AT A TIME? WHY???

In the last two days, I have a) not done anything fun, and b) also not done anything productive. I have, however, read the ridiculous lj comms about lifestyle master/slaves, read the NY Times, written some fanfic, read the Guardian, read post secret, refreshed LJ 14 squintillion times, drank a whole lot of red bull.

My life is so glamorous.

Comfort me with apples. Or you know, encouragement.

I beg of you.

...Maybe I should take a bath.

Comments

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

I have many MANY days like this. Sometimes I get bathed and dressed around three and then by about seven I'm ready to get back in my comfies. I spend a bunch of time making lists in my head about what I should do and then I don't do them. I am The Dude (ette).

Here's the encouragement part:

You work better under pressure. When it comes down to the wire you can churn out that paper and it will be awesome because all the neurons in your brain will be fired up on red bull and OMG DEADLINE panic. Go baby go! See? You feel better now don't you. Reward yourself with a little more slacking before getting started. ; P

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

You are an incitement to all kinds of bad, awesome behaviour and I love it. *grin*

I never actually got out of my pajamas today. They are red and green. Daniel has been calling me the Christmas Gnome.

[sanginmychains.livejournal.com]

I have so been there. Usually, for me, the answer is to actually give myself permission to do something fun, just for a bit. I watch a sitcom. I knit a little. Read one *short* piece of porny fanfic. Sometimes that's enough to break the deadlock of "can't have fun until I work, can't work until I unlock the brain by having a little fun."

However, if you're in the zone where you actually have no time for the above strategy, then I use this one: If you can't write anything good, then write something bad. Open a separate file if you want to, just so you don't get good and bad mixed up, but put words to the page. Make your first paragraph "I hate this paper and I was an idiot to choose this topic because..." Permission -- nay, the requirement -- to write crap often frees up the logjam of self-criticism and panic that's holding back all the good stuff that you know is in there, because it was there when you thought of this idea.

I have truly been there. I completed grad school while working full time. Well -- I was paid full time. The job wasn't actually all that demanding. But still -- I came out on the far side, degree in hand, and you will too.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

LOL. I have been using the first strategy, well, all weekend. Did I mention my epic fail??? I will try the second. I love your first paragraph and shall promptly plagiarize.

Now I am slipping into a fantasy where I begin reading that paper at the conference instead. Probably get a laugh anyway.

Must drink more redbull.

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

Gnomes are good. I want one for my yard. Since you're not really doing anything would you like to come over and stand around in my garden? Sort of like one of those living nativity things only it's gnomes.

Gnomes gnomes gnomes. Such a fun word. hahaha

ps ~ I loaned my next door neighbor's 16 y/o daughter Anansi Boys, Coraline and Stardust and now she thinks I am the coolest old person EVAR. And you were the one who told me to read Stardust. : )

[contrarywise]

Boy howdy, considering how much I procrastinate on loads of things and how much time I spend either (re-)reading smuttysmutty fanfic, poring over LJ or playing with the Love Cats, I can certainly relate to and sympathize with your current situation.

I endorse sang's suggestion for getting something written. Especially if you eventually find yourself writing something like, "See, I thought this stupid paper would be fairly simple and straightforward. It starts with this cool idea, and I have plenty of evidence to back that up, see? Like this, and this and this..." Sometimes if you cut to the chase and pretend that you've already written the paper and some random friend asks you what it's about, and you write your response to that person, that can lead to all kinds of actual paper writing.

Good luck! Been there, done that, survived somehow. And you will too.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

YAY! The Gaiman virus is spread. My work here is done. *hugesillygrin*

I would love to stand in your garden. You could buy me accessories from home depot. And a silly hat.

Gnomes are cool. Also their little known cousins, the Pnomes. And the Mnomes.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Man, you guys are super crafty. I love it. I do not know why I must trick myself into doing work, but apparently it is so, and one cannot argue with one's nature.

The saddest thing about this is that I'm pretty sure you can't write a dissertation all in one night, so I may not, you know, ever get my degree. But that, as they say, is a problem for another night.

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

bwaaahhaahahah

Oh good grief, forget about that silly school paper! I no nothing of pnomes and mnomes. You must tell me their secret stories as you stand in gnomelike splendor in my garden. Hurry! Halloween is almost here and we need to decide on your costume. A gnome for all seasons. Ghost gnome! Pilgrim Gnome! Santa Gnome!

[framefolly.livejournal.com]

Hehe. I'm STILL in the state you described so well -- been here for YEARS. This is not encouraging you ;) .

All the above advice is great, and have worked for me at times. Go with them.

That said, here's some Bad!Advice from the Pro!Procrastinator. The humanities conferences I've been to give about 20 minutes per paper. That's about 6-7 double spaced pages at my reading speed, because I also usually use a 1 minute clip to liven things up. If this is a Dr. Who paper, I strongly suggest that you use something audio visual -- even if it's just a few handouts to pass around -- because people aren't all fans, but they'd like to be. And a picture is really sometimes worth 1000 words.

6-7 double-spaced pages? You can do that on the flight. I HAVE done it on the flight. Three times, to be exact. It's not ideal, but the important thing was that the papers got wrote, delivered, and fed back to me with thoughtful comments. And the eventual goal is peer-reviewed journal anyway, so this is just a way station.

Slightly less Bad!Advice -- disable your internet. Disconnect your router and seal it in a box or something. You don't need it for the next 12 hours. Seriously.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

You've written some fanfic, that's more than I've done! My big accomplishment today: giving Calvin a bath!

[rm.livejournal.com]

Fanfic = fun.

[askeladden.livejournal.com]

This is why I didn't go to graduate school. This was me every single day of my academic career. You, on the other hand, are studly and kickass and totally up to whupping this. I salute you!

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

Huh. This is me every single day of my professional career, even. Tomorrow evening I'm supposed to explain the US economic-financial crisis to a dozen French biz school students and I'm actually welcoming the fact that today none of my three, count 'em, computers is 100% functional because it gives me an excuse not to write the lecture till tomorrow. Do I understand the US economic-financial crisis myself? I do not. Make that 'an excuse to research and write the lecture'. Think I'll go read some fanfic. Is there such as thing as financial fanfic? (Finfanfic?)

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Best advice ever. Seriously. I can't express how awesome this comment is because I am so tired I think I am clinically insane, and about to start having conversations with waterfalls. The scary part is that they talk back. Sometimes I cite them. With ibids even.

On the other hand I finished a draft. It is too long, and I read too fast anyway. After I have slept, I will ponder cutting.

You rock beyond the telling of it.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Hahah. Not enough of that either. I can feel Rach's eyes looking at me all the way over here.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Very true. I haven't slept in more than 24 hours, and got only four the the night before. I may or may not send you back baby!Ianto before sleep. If I do, I make no guarantees for its sanity.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Jesus. Are you making progress now? (on your paper I mean)

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

You would've kicked ass at grad school. You're an ass kicker, and also brilliant. But the Procrastination dragon is a hard beastie to defeat. I fear it's not possible to write an entire dissertation in one night. Woe!

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

you just described like the last 4 months of my life (and probably several months before that, too)

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I've pretty much given up hope for amendment.

Is there such as thing as financial fanfic? (Finfanfic?)

If there isn't, there ought to be. *googles* You might find something here:
punditslash. Surely somewhere someone has made some bizarre sexual pun based on bailout?

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

I finished a draft. It's too long. I'm going to look at it again when I've had some sleep. But hey, I kept my vow. And just taught for four hours! Wheeeeeeeee! Soon, I can go home. Hopefully I will neither faint nor vomit on public transit. Somethings should be for the privacy of one's own home, I feel.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Well, this will cheer you: my copy of Almost Perfect just arrived. So you can borrow it when I'm done.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

I am glad to feel not-alone. Still very very tired. But not alone! Yay!!!

It's been my entire life, I think. Ever since my very first research paper in the fourth grade. It was on deer.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Yay!!

Okay. Fuck this office hour. I am off home. More later.

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

deer
research deer?
i hate research papers, SO much easier and more fun to just make stuff up
fiction, 'tis where it's at

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

OMG. OMGOMG. Some people are soooo twisted. It's coming to me, wait ... Fedchairslash: Alan Greenspan/Paul Volcker. *gasps* Goldmansachslash: Hank Paulson/Bob Zoellick. No, sorry, that's just too twisted. Hank Paulson/Josh Bolten. Yes! *fistpump* Also, notice that the White House's preferred terminology for the bailout is 'rescue plan': heroics, with a healthy dash of hurt/comfort. All kinds of possibilities here.

[framefolly.livejournal.com]

Wow -- thanks! I'm really glad I helped a little! But the only reason I could is because YOU rock. You've got a draft, and you've got sleep -- what more could anyone ask for?

You wrote in another thread:
I fear it's not possible to write an entire dissertation in one night.

*adopting my best Giles impression*
I'd like to test that theory.

;)