Torchwood Fic: To Learn This Holding and The Holding Back (Part 3)

[fictional]

Title: To Learn This Holding And The Holding Back
Pairing/Characters: Jack/Ianto, Tosh, Gwen, Owen
Authors: rm & kalichan
Rating/Warning: NC-17, mostly plot this time, with a serving of porn for dessert.
Summary: With every night, a morning after. Jack and Ianto try to cope.
Author's Notes: Concludes the triptych begun with A Strange Fashion of Forsaking and Dear Captain, Last Night I Slept in Mutiny; takes place after those two stories somewhere in between 2x05: Adam and 2x06: Reset. Title adapted from a poem by Lucie Brock-Broido. The next story in this 'verse will be coming soon; it will pick up after 2x09: Something Borrowed. Third installment of I Had No Idea I Had Been Traveling
Wordcount: 16,700

Part 1
Part 2



When the song ended Jack knew they should drop hands and clap politely and pretend they weren't being quite so over the top, but it was hard to do that with a smirking, panting Ianto staring at his mouth, and he stuttered into it, only managing to pick up the clapping just as it was dying out.

Jack applauded loudly anyway, throwing in a whistle for good measure. Everyone was indeed looking at them, and Jack smirked at the crowd, decided what the hell, and leaned in to planted a kiss on Ianto's upturned mouth. The kiss quickly turned sloppy and hot, as Ianto's tongue darted into his mouth, and Jack tasted the alcohol on his breath and grinned.

“We should really do this more often,” he whispered against Ianto's mouth. “I like you like this. I like it when you let go.”

“Mmm,” Ianto mumbled, and fumbled at Jack's collar as he pressed up against him.

“Hey,” Jack said, laughing as he fended him off slightly, only because he was sure Ianto would never forgive him if he remembered this the next day. “Whoa there.”

“No,” Ianto said. “This is fun.” He bit at Jack's neck clumsily, and Jack felt himself heat up as he saw all the people watching, their mouths hanging open.

“Okay,” Jack said firmly. “That's it. We're going to go now.”

“Go?” Ianto said.

“Yes,” Jack said, pulling him by the hand. “I'm going to take you home and do indescribably filthy things to you. Don't say you haven't been warned.”

"But the descriptions are so interesting," Ianto protested as Jack led him out of the hall, wondering that Ianto apparently now had him so well-trained that he was respecting the very restraint that the other man had somehow abandoned.

"Yes, but there's something to be said for the element of surprise and whatever filthy things your mind is going to come up with while you try to figure it out," Jack said, trying to be as efficient as possible about getting them to the car. That way, even if they didn't make it back to Ianto's flat directly, they could have at each other with some small degree of discretion. Jack just hoped that Ianto would remain in this perfect place, before he got bored or tired as people drinking invariably did at the most inconvenient times.

Ianto kissed him again when he opened the door to the car.

"Get in," he said, and helped guide the man into his seat before closing the door and walking around to the other side.

"I assume I'm not taking the long way tonight?" Jack asked.

"No," Ianto said and placed his hand on Jack's thigh.

Jack laughed and raised an eyebrow. "Careful."

“Why?” Ianto asked.

“Because,” Jack said, as he started up the car. “I don't want to run you into a tree.”

Ianto moved his hand up to Jack's crotch, and he sucked in his breath.

“Can't you multi-task, sir?” Ianto said.

“I'd like to be able to give you my full attention,” Jack replied, flooring the gas. “You can keep doing that, though, if you want.”

Ianto had his head thrown back, and his eyes were half-lidded with arousal. “I think I'm getting drunker,” he said. “I thought I'd hit the peak, but it just keeps on building. Everything is...it's nice. It glows. And the car. And you. I like it. ”

“Lightweight,” Jack said, with a smile.



Distantly, Ianto was glad Jack hadn't called him a cheap date. This was kinder. Fond. Jack was fond of him. It seemed obvious, but also desperately peculiar. After all, he had invested so much energy in thinking of Jack as selfish. Selfish for always being the center of attention, selfish for not ever saying anything about himself. Selfish for Lisa. And for leaving. And for John fucking Hart and for taking his car. But Jack was fond of him. And generous in his way. And very, very bad at it. The thought made Ianto smile.

Jack caught it out of the corner of his eye as he pulled the car out into traffic. "What?" he asked, and Ianto decided to lie, although the lie was true too.

"With my eyes closed," he said, "I can pretend we're out there, up there," he said.

"Would you like that?" Jack asked, curious. Ianto had always seemed so happily fixed in place. The wonders that drifted in on the Rift enough for him when they weren't too much.

"I know how you drive. So that, that must be something."

Jack chuckled. "I'm pretty good. Thing is, and I hate to disappoint you, but so much of what you'd call a spaceship is so over-engineered, and believe me, it has to be, that you'd never feel it, never feel the speed or the rush or what would seem like the impossibility of it to you. Unless we were in trouble."

Ianto opened his eyes and rolled his head against the headrest to look at Jack. "Only you could make crash landings seem appealing."

“Maybe I'll be able to take you up. Someday. Show you the planet-rise. It's a sight to see. Better than a sunset, I think.”

“Is that what they do? Lovers, I mean, where you come from? Is that what you did to impress your dates? Sixteen year old boys and girls sighing for you and your tarted up spaceship....”

“Not me. I was poor, growing up. Didn't have a ship of my own. But later, sure. When I had money.”

“The world's spinning,” Ianto said. “In my head. I can feel it. It's funny how you feel things when you can't see them.”

“Funny,” Jack agreed.

“D'you miss it? Flying?”

Jack glanced over at him, and saw that he had his eyes closed, and a hand out of the window, playing with the wind. “Why are you always asking me about the things I miss?”

"Because I want to know what you think about when you're alone, when no one's watching. That's who a man is, isn't it? Besides, I rather imagine you miss things I'll never even get to see."

There it was. An exact, perfect summation of everything Jack was worried about with Ianto.

"Does it bother you?" he asked.

"That I'm earthbound? Timebound?" Ianto asked.

"Yeah."

"Yes. No. It depends. I like to go deep into things. Maybe the life I have is best for that. I don't know. It only really bothers me when you won't tell me about things."

"Why?"

"Who doesn't want to be told stories, Jack?"

"Lots of people," he said and shrugged.

"Really? Who?"

"People who get jealous. People who find it common."

"Being up there is not common, Jack. And jealous doesn't matter."

"You do it though."

"Sure, how could I not? Don't you? Doesn't everyone? Who wouldn't want all the stars for themselves?"

"It'd get lonely," Jack noted.

"I'd share," Ianto said softly.

There was a long silence. Jack kept his eyes on the road, feeling the unaccustomed sting of tears. He blinked a few times and luckily none fell.

“I don't want to miss things,” he said finally. “It seems disrespectful. I love it here. And even with all the time in the world, it seems like murder to waste it on regret. And yet, I do. I can't... there's so much loss to look forward to. Every time I get something, I worry now that all I'll be able to see is the end. I can't keep anything.”

There was no reply. Jack looked over at Ianto and realized his hand was lying slack next to him. Somewhere in there he'd dropped off. Jack shook his head. He was glad that Ianto hadn't heard his maudlin rambling.

A long time ago, orbiting a far off star -- how many lifetimes ago was it now? -- when here, this time and place, was just something he'd fallen in love with from books and vids, when it was just an obsession, a period, when he'd loved it the way you only can when it's not real, when he'd swallowed up every last piece of information about it he could find, he'd read a poem.

“Nothing gold can stay,” he whispered into the night. He was quiet for a few minutes, before looking over at Ianto sleeping next to him and smiled to himself.

“And you,” he said. “how do you always manage to surprise me?”

Jack parked the car in front of Ianto's house and got out to open Ianto's door.

“Come on, sleeping beauty,” he said “Time to wake up.”



Ianto stretched like a cat and smiled, oddly not feeling guilty about falling asleep at all. Well, a little. He and Jack had been talking about something serious, and it wasn't cruel, and he felt a little stupid to have missed that, but it was all right. Maybe his falling asleep was what had managed to keep it good.



Jack bent over to help Ianto out of the car. Surely he wasn't so drunk he couldn't have forced himself to do it on his own, but Jack saw Ianto not wanting to sober up, to stretch this moment past the bounds of ordinary seconds and minutes and moments, and Jack was more than glad to be complicit, especially when he pulled Ianto up and into his arms, lips moving against his neck murmuring something Jack couldn't catch. Hell, he wasn't even sure it was actually words.

Ianto looked up. And then told Jack to do the same. There were stars, but not what there should have been -- there weren't in any earth city in this time, Jack knew. It was too hard to see with the lights of buildings, of towers, of a world that really didn't need to be turned on all the time and yet insisted on it.

"What am I looking at?" Jack asked, tilting his head up and keeping an arm around Ianto's shoulders.

Ianto shrugged. "Have to share from here for now. Thought I should practice."

Jack kissed his cheek. "Inside," he said gently and shoved the car door closed with a bump of his hip and nudged Ianto towards his front door. "You now. The stars'll wait."



Ianto let Jack feel in his pocket for the keys, let Jack man-handle him up the stairs, and then just stood still in the center of his sitting room, feeling the unaccustomed languor just seep through his bones.

Jack was undressing him now, shrugging his jacket off his shoulders, undoing his tie, pressing kisses into his collarbone as he unbuttoned his shirt.

“I can't--” Ianto said. Somehow he almost felt like he was still in the car, hurtling down the road, in circles though now. Or like he was falling in a long tunnel as everything moved round him.

“Shhh,” Jack said. “I've got you.”

Jack bent to undo his shoes, and Ianto felt his eyes water. “You shouldn't be...I should--”

“You're fine,” Jack said. “Let me do this. I want to.”

"Why?" Ianto finally managed.

"You offered to share the stars with me. Least I can do is share my dexterity," Jack said lightly as he got Ianto out of his shoes and socks.



It seemed to placate Ianto, who said, "Okay," albeit somewhat dubiously, as Jack got him out of the last of his clothes, skimming his trousers down over his hips and smoothing his hands over Ianto's legs far more than was necessary as he helped the man step out of them.

Jack stood and took his hand. "Let's get you in bed," he said.

"I don't want to go back to sleep," he replied, and it was a perfectly simple statement that somehow made Jack's breath catch.

"I won't let you," Jack said, glad for a promise he could make in secret.

He led Ianto into the bedroom, pulled back the bed clothes, and pushed him down onto the bed. He was still dressed, and he felt the other man clutch at his shirt as he bit at his lip and ran his hands up over Ianto's shoulders. Ianto lay pliant beneath him, his mouth open for Jack's kisses, and Jack was happy to oblige. With his tongue he traced a slow, wet line from the corner of his jaw to his collarbone, before biting Ianto's neck, and feeling the skin and muscle between his teeth.

Ianto moaned.

“I'm going to lick every inch of you,” Jack muttered hoarsely. “You'll be singing my name before I'm done.”

He kissed down Ianto's chest, sucked a nipple into his mouth, flicked it with his tongue. Ianto made no sound, and Jack looked up. Was he drifting?

“Stay with me, damn it,” he said.

Ianto hummed happily. "'S'nice," he mumbled, "half asleep."

"Just half," Jack said firmly, although he supposed matters of consent and consciousness were complex enough between them that this should barely be at issue.

"Just half," Ianto repeated with a lazy smile.

"All right," Jack said, "but you want this? I want to hear you."

"Yes," Ianto breathed as Jack's tongue found the hollow of his throat and then returned to his nipple, this time pressing it between tongue and teeth. He hissed, and Jack was pleased.

He dragged his face down Ianto's side, listened to the rasp of his stubble against Ianto's skin, felt the other man twist under him.

"All over, I said. Which does not mean you're getting your cock sucked this instant."

Ianto arched his back and laughed, quiet, breathy, like he wanted it all to be a dream.

Jack pressed one of Ianto's legs up, licked the back of his thigh, sucked at the dangerously soft skin behind his knee, fitted his lips along the edge of his calf muscle, kissed the arch of his foot. Ianto moaned, but it was high and startled, and Jack knew that Lisa or whoever else Ianto had been with might have been and done many things, but they hadn't had the faintest clue how to adore and worship and praise a man. It was too complicated, too messy for the struggles of the 21st century. And it was a shame, Jack thought, for everyone, as he licked a circle around Ianto's ankle bone and then blew on it.



Ianto gasped. This was a strange, easy, lazy thing, but he needed to be here, be present, he reminded himself. Lest Jack think he was alone in the dark. Jack hated the dark, no matter what he said.

Ianto hummed, and said Jack's name as the man ran his nails up his leg and along his side. He shoved a hand into Jack's hair, tightened his fingers and pulled just a bit. It was so nice, drifting and holding on any way he could. And it made him sad that there was no way to do this same thing for Jack because Jack could never get drunk again.

"Less clothes," he said instead. As much as there really was something for the rough wool and smooth cotton of Jack's clothes, he wanted to feel him, skin against skin in this warm, wet place without stars.

He felt Jack pull away, heard the rustle of clothes coming off and falling to the floor, realized from somewhere far away that he could ask for anything now, and Jack would try to give it to him. Anything he wanted, but this was all there was. Jack against him now, feeling the warmth of his body, naked now, smooth and hard.

Jack's tongue traced designs on his hip bone, patterned with careful intent, but he couldn't follow them, except to gasp.

“Are you writing words on my skin?” he whispered

“Yes,” Jack said, his words muffled against Ianto's thigh.

“I can't understand them,” he confessed.

“They're not letters you know,” Jack said, and Ianto felt as if he might drown in the grief and wonder of it, laid out here as a canvas for the author of an alphabet not yet born.

Jack nipped gently at Ianto's balls, blew into his hair, and Ianto whimpered. Each touch felt like it was searing itself into him, and he writhed into it, wanting Jack to press harder, deeper, swallow him whole.

Jack turned him over then, licked down his spine, and Ianto shivered. He felt Jack's mouth on the back of his thigh, felt his tongue flick teasingly at the curve of his arse.

Ianto's back arched at that.

“You like that, don't you?” Jack said.

"Of course," Ianto said, and while it was with a breathless laugh, it felt like every word meant something other than the obvious.

Jack did it again, and Ianto moaned. And when he held him open Ianto gasped in the moment before Jack's tongue touched him, because he knew what he was going to do and knew somehow that he'd want to die from the perfection of it.

"That's right," Jack murmured, as if he'd heard the thought.

Ianto shifted, impatient. Jack finally put his tongue to him, laving across his hole, and Ianto moaned. When Jack echoed the sound, he started to beg, and then tried to stop, lest he sob or offer too strange praise, and if Jack weren't careful, he'd come just like this, hips circling against his mattress and Jack's face buried against his arse.

He felt Jack reach under him, and wrap his fist around his cock, stroking it just right, as he pressed his tongue further into him, swirling it into his hole. Ianto's fingers mindlessly clenched and unclenched on the sheets, and he felt himself yearn helplessly toward the orgasm Jack was pulling out of him with every lick and thrust, every time he felt his fingers rub over his cock.

“I can't..I...I'm going to come,” he moaned, almost in despair.

Jack only plunged his tongue in deeper, stroked him harder, and when Jack cupped his balls with his other hand, Ianto could could hold on no longer, and he came in Jack's fist with four pulsing jets that blazed through his body like bullets.

When he could think again, he realized Jack was still idly kissing the curve of his arse.

“I --” he started, trying to move.

“Don't you dare,” Jack said, restraining him.

Jack slithered his way up the bed, and then pulled Ianto against him so they could lie spoon fashion. He pressed two fingers to Ianto's lips.

“Taste yourself,” he said, and Ianto obediently sucked them into his mouth. His come was, as always, bitter and astringent, but he swirled his tongue around Jack's fingers anyway, loving the feel of them in his mouth.

When they were clean, Jack pulled them out of his mouth, and Ianto made a protesting noise.

“Don't you want to come?” he asked sleepily.

“I'm good,” Jack said. “Really. That was... Thank you.”

Ianto wanted to tell Jack he was strange or a liar, but something in the man's wordless wonder made him stop. It would be cruel to ruin the moment. Besides Ianto was so very tired.

"Are you staying?" he asked.

Ianto hoped he was staying.



Jack shook his head. "The Rift waits for no man," he murmured dryly.

"Need a better solution," Ianto said, and Jack knew, that on some level he was supposed to run screaming from the matter of fact possessive domesticity of what was really just Ianto wanting his comfort. Certainly he was getting awfully close to being the boyfriend now, from being a cad every time he had to leave, to making up for it with elaborate schemes, but it wasn't like he was running off to sleep elsewhere. Hell, he wasn't even running off to sleep. He was running off to save the world. And hide from this. Just a little.

"You need sleep," Jack said. "I'll stay 'til you drift off," he added, petting Ianto's hair.

"Won't be long," Ianto said a bit sadly.

"No, but you are fun all muzzy like this."

Ianto growled at him playfully, and Jack smiled. He listened to Ianto's breaths even out slowly, and he was starting to think that he had gone around the corner when Ianto spoke, startling him.

“Did you really call me an egg before? Or did I dream it?” he mumbled.

Jack chuckled soundlessly against Ianto's hair.

“No,” he replied. “I did.”

Ianto made a questioning noise.

“There's all this inside you,” Jack said softly, knowing there was no way Ianto would remember this come morning. “Hidden behind this fragile, beautiful shell of suits and restraint. I want to break it open and spill you out. Turn you into what you're meant to be. I can see it, you know. All that potential.”

There was no reply.


“And that's why I like you off balance,” he finished. “I want to see what you'll do.”

"Potential for what?" Ianto asked sleepily.

"Anything you want, I think," Jack said. "Once you really learn how, you'll probably be a better leader than me in a lot of ways."

Ianto snorted. "Captain Ianto. Sounds silly."

"Well, yes. Wrong title for you."

"Not a soldier," Ianto mumbled.

"Not always, if you're lucky," Jack agreed softly.

Ianto stirred against him, as if trying to get their bodies closer, and Jack smiled in the dark.

“You won't be here when I wake up,” he said, as if trying to repeat a lesson learned by rote, his voice sounding really half asleep now.

“No,” Jack said. “I won't.”

“You-”

“Don't worry,” Jack said. “I'll be there, waiting for you. It all will. New day. New work.”

He looked down at Ianto's face and laughed a little.

“New hangover,” he added. “Go to sleep now.”

He felt Ianto relax against him, as if all he'd needed was that command, to fall away from Jack into that place where he could no longer follow.

Jack waited in the dark, alone now, counting breaths, until he felt it was safe to pull away, gently slide out of the bed, cover Ianto with the blanket, collect his clothes and walk softly out of the room.

After he was dressed and had shrugged on his coat, he slipped Ianto's car and house keys out of his pocket and left them by the coffee maker. He thought about leaving a note but decided maybe silence said more. It wasn't right to be proud of yourself for doing what should be done...especially if it should have been obvious in the first place, Jack thought with some irony. He remembered that lesson from his childhood, although he'd never been very good at it.

He let himself out of Ianto's apartment quietly, checking to make sure the door had locked behind him automatically.

He took a deep breath and looked up at the meager stars Ianto had promised he'd share. He shook his head and laughed. It was a beautiful night, and he was thankful for that. It was, after all, a long walk back to the Hub, but he was glad of that too. There was a lot to think about, and sometimes it was easier to do it in motion.

Not often, but sometimes, in the night as the city slept around him, Jack felt so very small against the backdrop of even this tiny world, and all those ordinary lives rushing past him as he tried and failed to hold on, dwarfed as he was by his own life span, stretching out behind him, and so much further in front of him that he knew – even with all his newfound acceptance gained in that long year which never was – he couldn't even begin to imagine.

But not tonight. As he walked through the streets, feeling his heels click against the pavement, his coat open and blowing behind him in the breeze, the night swirling around him, he owned this moment. He didn't have much, he thought ruefully, and what he did have, he couldn't keep. But still, for now, there was this moment, and there were all the ghosts who walked with him, all those people and places and times to which he'd given all of his heart, poured out all of himself, those he'd defended, and those he'd failed. They were all lost to him, and yet they were his, he thought, with a kind of fierce exaltation, and for now at least, he could still remember, still walk through this city and cry all their names.

And his work - that went on, that survived.

Behind him, somewhere there was a boy, asleep in his bed. Not yet a ghost, but one day, not so very far away, he would be. And there was nothing that Jack could do about it but endure.

He laughed again.

“Okay,” he said to the silent dark. “It doesn't matter. I give up. I give in. No more running. No more rebellion. It never worked anyway. After all, it got me here.”

But whether he spoke to the ghosts, or to the long future ahead, or to the boy, or even if he spoke the truth, he wasn't sure.

end

Continue to The Most Beautiful Girl in the World.

Comments

[angelnimp.livejournal.com]

Lovely, just truly beyond words lovely!

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[plotbunniesinc.livejournal.com]

*is speechless with awe*
Wonderful!
I can't wait to read more.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Yay! I was a little nervous about this one, so I'm so glad you liked it. Thank you so much.

[merucha.livejournal.com]

“Okay,” he said to the silent dark. “It doesn't matter. I give up. I give in. No more running. No more rebellion. It never worked anyway. After all, it got me here.”
OH.MY.GOD.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[amandakcampbell.livejournal.com]

This was absolutely gorgeous - I loved it!

In addition to all the wonderful Jack/Ianto dialogue and dancing and sexiness, I really liked Tosh in this story, too. The scene where she gives Ianto his keys back made me laugh; it was just so very Tosh.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I love the whole Torchwood team so very much, it was great to play with them (if briefly) even if they were not the focus of the story.

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

Wonderful story. Thanks.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[jbs-teeth.livejournal.com]

Although there are a number of elements in this fic I find myself resisting, one thing I cannot resist is the ending. The imagery of Jack walking home in the early morning alone, on the verge of something grand, brings very clearly to mind the last few paragraphs of "This Side of Paradise" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. And that is lovely indeed.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I think the image of the ending was something we both could just *see* very clearly, so I'm glad to know it worked (although any homage to This Side of Paradise was unintentional - but now that you mention, I can totally see it. *g*)

Can I ask what you had trouble with in the earlier part of the story? *is curious*

[marvola.livejournal.com]

I liked the full circle you came around in this. How it begins and ends with Ianto asleep in bed. There were some absolutely lovely pieces of writing here - I never really considered seriously before how not sleeping means that Jack can never escape from everything. That sleep is more than just making you un-tired.

Looking forward to reading the next in the series.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

The sleep thing is really weird because it removed a line of demarcation from things -- I mean, is there any fashion at all in which Jack isn't bad with boundaries?

[burntcopper.livejournal.com]

oh, lovely. And I'm really liking the push and pull and Ianto getting pissed off when Jack does things wrong or oversteps.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

They're both quite bad at this, and I'm glad it made sense to you. For me, one of the things I am interested in is that despite Jack's age, he is, in the scheme of his new lifespan, also a child, and it may be part of what he feels gives him license to be such a fuck-up. And Ianto's so concerned about making sure he stands up to him and holds his own he doesn't always pull it off in a way that's truly useful.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

Oh, my, I enjoyed this so much! I like that, although Jack screws up repeatedly, he also tries repeatedly. I like that he puts Ianto in such an uncomfortable position, and it obviously didn't occur to him that it would be a problem, and yet they ended up having a good time! Ianto is certainly a man of his time, but he's also more flexible than he thinks he is.

I like Ianto stomping around, so pissed off at Jack for just leaving - let alone the thing with the car - considering what happened last time Jack borrowed his car, he should be! Tosh's observation at the very beginning of the story - he'd saunter in after a night of who knows what, or rather who knows who, around six - tells us that this is just what Jack does, and I doubt it occurs to him that it isn't very nice, and especially if he treats someone he has this not-quite-defined-but-certainly-more-than-a-pickup relationship with that way!

The dance scene is great. Ianto's just so appalled, and Jack's so clueless about it, and yet he comes up with a solution - or two solutions - get Ianto to dance with a girl (something he's comfortable with), and get him -relaxed-.

ETA - how did I not comment on the sex scene? DAMN, that was a good sex scene. Yes.


Actually, the fact that at both the beginning and end of the story Jack leaves Ianto sleeping, but that at the end it's all right - I do love that.

I was thinking that in canon, Jack can get drunk, or at least he could when the Victorian lesbians got hold of him - but it occurs to me that things change for him as time goes on - like sleeping - so I'll accept it.

(Forgive my jumbled coherence, I'm taking major pain pills today. This story was an excellent distraction.)

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I feel like some of the stuff you pointed out should have been obvious when we were writing but I am reading this comment going "Hey! We did that! Di we know we were doing that? (Kali, did we?). Awesome.

I am glad you liked the sex scene. It was brief and the subject of a lot of discussion about how it was going to go, and Iwe were really pleased with how it sorted out, but unsure how it would read to others.

Alcohol and the kiss of life situation are sort of the two great canon inconsistences that I find it almost impossible to write around if the fic skirts near anything related to either topic. For me this choice comes out of having to make one somehow and my interest in Jack's relationship to self-control, both of the sort he's striving for and te sort he got stuck with. Jack never asked for this, and he makes that plain often. One of the real reasons I have such a passion for this show is that it's the antithesis of the vampire romance. Living forever and being beautiful and cold sort of actually sucks and Jack is a child struggling with that.

Hope the pain pills keep doing their job and that you won't need them soon.

[phibetafunkay.livejournal.com]

As I despair of Jack and Ianto even getting the slightest bit close to the honesty they have in this fic on the show (TTLM being an exception), I'll be putting this one in my archives. :D

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you! They are bad at the talking, but at least in fic we can see them inch along towards some sort of level place with each other.

[rhianona]

it's nice to see this development of the Jack and Ianto relationship and how strong Ianto is in it - that he doesn't let Jack run over him and yet is so in love with the man. Very nice.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Their power dynamic is so fluxy and complicated that it's a really hard line to walk where they both have strength and both have times where they just want to roll over and aren't always necessarily comfortable with either role. I'm very glad to hear that you're seeing the stuff we've been trying to do!

[piss-and-ink.livejournal.com]

That reminded me of how much I miss Swing Remix events at club SOL in Chelsea (if you're ever in Manhattan). Except people don't usually dance with me more than once, yeah, I'm one of those. And they've been dead all summer, starting up again once I'm not going to be anywhere near Manhattan for months on end. Not fair, especially since I learned lindy and have no place to do it.

Sorry for the ramble. But an entire chapter of swing dancing made me a more than a little jealous. This was really good. I liked the loss of control, being put into uncomfortable circumstances and each coaxing the other into acceptance. And I love Jack taking Ianto out swing dancing.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you! We're both NY'ers and I'm a historical dancer (Kali dabbles) but mostly not 20th century (working on it now, largely to go with the scary Jack cosplay thing). HOw much longer are you in town for? There's some great stuff going on in August and Sept.

Anyway, we were really nervous how the dance would go over both for peopel who were and weren't familiar, so this is great to read!

[gement.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. I'm painfully awake due to an overdose of squicky non-con, and I needed to read about some nice boys being sensible, which, despite the sulk and the thoughtlessness, they both were.

Not as arresting as the previous installments, but it wasn't supposed to be. It was walking through all the little steps of a real relationship, the ones that always end up on the cutting room floor, sacrificed to the gods of pacing.

Exactly what I needed. Thanks.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I was reading your review about that book, and I was like What the Hell? It was so outside of the realm of my thing, I didn't even know what to ask, but I felt so baffled and squicked I kinda wanted to know more. Anyway, yuck, sorry. I know what it's like not to be able to pull yourself away from that sort of car crash.

Not as arresting as the previous installments, but it wasn't supposed to be.

Yes. Thank you. We worried about the clarity of this stylistically.

They are so toxic and sort of codependent and really incompetent that I think we also wanted to make it clear that they really can find a place of stasis with each other, even if it's not a place that you or I or whomever would necessarily find comfortable in their own interactions.

Also, next piece in this series. Definitely arresting, although probably not in the way people will anticipate with just that build up.

[mclachlan.livejournal.com]

Oh.

Absolutely stunning.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much!

[laurab1.livejournal.com]

God, they're both such men XD

This is gorgeous, though. I love the team, the dancing, the OFCs, and again Jack is so very old.

"I had to learn to be circumspect for a long time."

100 years. A VERY long time.

[rm.livejournal.com]

God, they're both such men XD

ONe of the highest compliments we could get in this fandom. Thank you!


"I had to learn to be circumspect for a long time."

100 years. A VERY long time.

Which is why Jack is a lying liar who lies about his obliviousness. Although I doubt it's conscious. He's just good at forgetting shit if it's convenient.

[fireflyfailure.livejournal.com]

This [and oh my god, the chapter before this as well!] was absolutely lovely. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much!

[christine-twfan.livejournal.com]

Wow...that was brilliant. And utterly heartbreaking. Loved it. :)

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! So glad you enjoyed it. Our hearts were a little broken too. :-)

[marginaliana]

I love the imagery in this. Jack's egg metaphor is really striking. I feel like this is a piece I'll need to read a couple of times before I can really get through all of it, because there are just so many layers. Lovely.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Glad you liked the egg metaphor - it was one of those unplanned moments that just seemed to really fit. Thanks also for wanting to reread! That is one of the best compliments we could possibly get.

[invisible-lift.livejournal.com]

See, these keep getting more brilliant.

I did have a little bit to say about Jack's understanding of social mores, but it looks like jbs_teeth beat me to the punch with such style and clear thought that I'm really not going to attempt it.

I do think he's prone to a fair bit of wilful ignorance in that front from time to time, or outright rebellion when it suits him, though.

Also, drunken!Ianto FTW.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! There will be, fwiw, four more pieces directly in this universe and two prequel pieces that will be Jack/Nine/Rose and Jack/Nine respectively.


I've been a little too crazed to get into that incredibly dense and awesome thread in the manner it deserves but:

I do think he's prone to a fair bit of wilful ignorance in that front from time to time, or outright rebellion when it suits him, though.

Yes. Jack is a lying liar who lies (like all the characters that Kali and I are really interested in); he also willfully chooses not to pay attention to shit that doesn't entertain him. So I think he was actually being at least partially full of shit there, although as writers we weren't necessarily clear about that in a way we perhaps needed to be.

[electro-club.livejournal.com]

Just brilliant.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[cherry-soup888.livejournal.com]

How did I miss this?!
Damn you though - I don't read dancing fics, it's against the law...and now I do and secretely love them.
This was utterly brilliant, totally captivating. I'm in love with it.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, thank you! We worried about that, as we've seen it done poorly as a cliche in this and other fandoms, but thought we could maybe tackle it, in part because we both are into historic dance to various degrees.

[1-mad-squirrel.livejournal.com]

One of the things I love best about your writing is the beautifully crafted details. They paint a whole rich world. Lesser writers, would give only action and he said she said, a sort of fic flow chart. You give us detail and texture and nuance and make me see not only the characters, but everything around them.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This is especially kind as I don't feel like description is my strong suit (Kali's more so, but we're so character driven, it's nice to know we're actualy setting a scene you can see).

[noisy-whispers.livejournal.com]

Aww this was beautiful. I want drunk ianto. I also loved him angry. I cried when jack made him close his eyes and discribed what the dance would have been like that bit was wonderful. x

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you! We're very fond of that little speech, so I'm glad it was noticed.

[demotu.livejournal.com]

I reread this, cause I wanted to comment and needed to reread it and oh oh oh. The end of this is just... like crystal, shining and perfect. Jack walking home alone, content but afraid for the future and then just... letting go. God - it's actually making me cry thinking about it, and that's a hard thing to do.

Another thing I loved about it - "Captain Ianto", or at least, Jack pointing out Ianto's potential for leadership, because I love that image and I love Jack seeing it.

And there is never, ever enough drunk!Ianto, nor rimming, in existence. Yum.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thank you so very much! That end scene resonated so very strongly with us - it was like this image that just *appeared* and made us both tear up a bit, so hearing that you felt the same way is just - thank you. Really. It means a lot.

We are very into the whole Jack mentoring Ianto thing; I think those kinds of relationships are very meaningful to both of us, and I really like exploring them in the Torchwood context -(it's a very strong flavor in the part we're working on now, actually) so it's great to know it's striking a chord with other folk as well. And your comments in particular always make us smile!

And yeah, drunk Ianto was a great deal of fun!

I was worried about whether to warn for rimming, but then decided that it's so awesome, *warning* for it is just ludicrous. Other people may not agree, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks so much for this awesome feedback. Yay!

[sanginmychains.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I've commented on any of these so far, and it's for the dumbest reason. I am so thrilled by what you've written, I'm so beyond impressed, that I don't think my simple little "thank you" is nearly enough. It's so insufficient to the work you've done that I feel embarrassed to be seen doing it; better to hide. But that's a dumb reason to lurk and not comment, so I'm here, saying thank you. Forgive me if that was all schmoopy, but I'm very sleep deprived just right now.

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

I'm a lurker from way back, so believe me, I completely understand where you're coming from - though honestly, a bit bemused to be the object of such. But also so unbelievably thrilled (not to inspire lurking, but to touch someone with a story) I don't really have words.

Your words mean a LOT. Really. We love these guys, and this world, fictional though they may be, and to hear that it resonated and worked, is just so...unbelievably awesome. And especially from people who write them, and write them well. So, thank you. Really. It means so much.

Now I'm being schmoopy! :-) We should form a mutual admiration society!