soul laryngitis

i've lost my voice.
it was not a good night.
i am shaken and confused and ashamed of myself.
not a happy mix.

actually it hasn't been a good couple of weeks. i don't know what's the matter with me. i feel caught up in this morass of tangled emotions that i have no idea how to unravel. last night was just a symptom of the disease.

i've lost my voice.
i don't know what i want, or what i don't want. or how to get what i need. i feel all alone, out in a lonely place that i don't know how to navigate.

the trouble is that i really thought better of myself. i thought i had this under control. i thought i knew how to stand up for myself. but no. and it's no one's fault but my own.

and now all i hear coming out of my throat is this never ending stream of apologies.