april showers

[fictional]

it is, i think, what the Irish call a soft day.
a slight sprinkling of rain, not too cold, white wisps everywhere.

i am overwhelmed with adulthood, and not enjoying it.
the taxes are confusing me, my financial aid hangs over me like a sword of damocles (not to get melodramatic or anything)
i want to bitch over how difficult it all is, but i am after all in effect begging for money, so where do i have room to complain?
after i come out of this deluge of forms and convoluted jugglings of money, i head into a sea of finals and papers.
i'm scared. i need to do well. i'm so worried about the future that i can't seem to unknot even when i relax. terror is such an unpleasant feeling. i wish that i could see some peace ahead, but i can't. it just all seems to keep on piling up, regardless of anything that i can do.

the weekend was somehow sad, although lots of un-sad things happened. i spent most of it in bed, cosseted and petted. i got homemade waffles in bed, with maple syrup and lots of butter, and some raspberry jam. i got dinner in bed too, grilled ham and cheese sandwiches. the best ever. i even got poetry (!!!!) (also the best ever) and sweet snuggles, and movie watching and giddy conversation. i tried to keep my leg up, and my fever down. i don't know why i am left with a scared sad feeling, a trembling sense of fright that i can't quite explain or even define.

Comments

::big scary hugs (tm):::

[hofnarr.livejournal.com]

love you kalichan. it'll all be ok. I promise. ::hugs::