Crisis of faith
Dec. 7th, 2004 11:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fictionalI cannot write. Or rather I can, it's just crap, pure and simple.
What am I doing? For $.02 I'd hang it all up and go put on a skirt and some heels and get an office job.
What's the point of all this if nothing I write is any good?! I gave up something I had really really really wanted to do on Sunday, to sit here and slug away, and I just read over the result and it tastes like ashes in my mouth. It's like sex when sex is dead: just wet slimy foreign objects working away at each other. Blood, sweat and tears, + agonizing indecision, and I just feel like a talent-less hack.
And this was it - my last chance. It's even a compromise - if not art, then study. They used to say wizardry was an inborne art, but alchemy is learnt. And I was hoping, really hoping to at least have that.
What am I doing? For $.02 I'd hang it all up and go put on a skirt and some heels and get an office job.
What's the point of all this if nothing I write is any good?! I gave up something I had really really really wanted to do on Sunday, to sit here and slug away, and I just read over the result and it tastes like ashes in my mouth. It's like sex when sex is dead: just wet slimy foreign objects working away at each other. Blood, sweat and tears, + agonizing indecision, and I just feel like a talent-less hack.
And this was it - my last chance. It's even a compromise - if not art, then study. They used to say wizardry was an inborne art, but alchemy is learnt. And I was hoping, really hoping to at least have that.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-08 01:35 pm (UTC)Part of the graduate school experience, my dear, is about transition -- student to professor -- graduate student is in between, liminal, if you will. Transitions --Rites of passage -- are painful, how can your new role fill you if the old one isn't abraded away?
Suffer you will, yes (thanks, Yoda, for invading my brain), but you will also triumph. I am quite sure of that.
Also, it is not that you are quantifiably writing crap, it's that your standards are shifting faster than your talent. Your talent will catch up. You have plenty of talent, my love, plenty.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-08 03:30 pm (UTC)Intellectually, I know you're right, of course. And it's always hard to not think of where you are as the end of your existence, instead of a step towards where you want to be. So thank you for that, and the reassurance. I had forgotten, temporarily, that this is not forever.
Also, Yoda! Yay!
Love you Megling & miss you - any chance of an intersection anytime soon?
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-08 03:43 pm (UTC)