Writing sex: a confession

[fictional]

It may come as a surprise to those of you who read IHNIIHBT, which is sort of a pornographic epic, but I greatly dislike writing sex.

No, really.

I hate it a lot. Which is funny because lately, we've been doing a lot of it.

Don't get me wrong. I love that our story is so filthy and x-rated. In fact, sometimes I even think it could stand to be filthier. I like reading sex. Oh man, do I. Porn, for me, is a primarily written-word driven thing, and it was that way long before I discovered fandom and its box of erotic delights. Think reading bodice-rippers and skimming my way through Tess of the D'Urbervilles at seven, desperately (and unsuccessfully, fuck you, Thomas Hardy) searching for the dirty bits...! Flipping through the Mists of Avalon for the threesome scene, etc. etc.

But writing it? A resounding "feh!"

For one thing, it's really hard [no pun intended]. Sex is repetitive. We have a finite number of moving parts, we have a finite number of slots for those parts to fit into. We tweak, we stroke, we push, we pull, we slap, we tickle; we get wet, we get hard. It feels great, except when it doesn't. And if you add in too many adverbs and adjectives -- you run the risk of sounding like a romance novel, a bad romance novel.

I don't know about you, but I have sex in my head. If my brain isn't getting off, I can spasm all I want, but I haven't come. It's no good to me without the brainfuck. There's an internal narrative always going on -- which mirrors to varying degrees what's actually happening in the physical, corporeal world. Sometimes, the degree is zero. Things I would never do "for real", things I would find actively offensive or disturbing if I weren't in bed, and believing that the things people imagine or play at in order to find pleasure are all perfectly okay.¹

Thing is, when you're writing, the characters can't have internal narratives, unrelated to what's around them, because they're already in a narrative! Hell, they are the narrative. And of what interest to the reader -- who's using your story to furnish their own fantasy about say, Jack and Ianto -- is an internal, unrelated narrative that the character might possibly be having, if they were real? My feeling is, generally speaking, probably not much. Because that's like being OOC on purpose, and no one wants to see that, right?

So there's ways around it. Hence: dirty talk, d/s, drag, s & m, 3somes -- all games that are all about the stories you tell yourself. Narratives embraced and imposed.

But. I have to wonder, what are the fantasies of fantasies? What are the stories that stories whisper to themselves in the dark, or the ones they hold tightly to themselves, too ashamed even to say out loud?

Because that? That might be hot.


¹That's what I tell myself anyway. Rationalizations: more important than sex. Think about it. Ever made it through a day without a rationalization? Yeah..

Comments

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

Well, yes. Writers are all different, and I, in no way, felt that I was making a blanket statement for all writers. At all. I can even tell from reading your stuff, that you're someone who profoundly enjoys writing the sex bits. Which is great. For me it's just difficult. And while I do top on occasion, I far prefer not to, because I react much better than I come up with stuff; even in "real life" I'm a reader, and not a writer. My partner (who incidentally writes phenomenal porn, though not fanfic) is really great at coming up with ideas; I just sort of lazily lay back and audit. And while, with other people, things have been different, it's always been much harder for me to be the propelling, new idea force. Conceivably I'm just (sexually) lazy. *g*

[kahtyasofia.livejournal.com]

Never for a moment did I think your statement was blanket! I'm just interested in how those of us that do pretty much the same thing (write smutty fic) go about it so differently.

Sexually lazy! That's sort of funny! I hadn't thought of it that way but there is a commonly held idea that bottoms are really the ones in control because the entire scene is dictated by their limits and their desires.

It intrigues me how there are so many ways to get from a to b and must of us take a different route yet end up at the same place (finished story). It's also fun to enter into an intelligent discourse with people who have something worthwhile and thoughtful to say on the subject!

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

there is a commonly held idea that bottoms are really the ones in control because the entire scene is dictated by their limits and their desires.

It is certainly the view ascribed to in my household! *g* Which is funny because on some level, this approach calls for a certain amount of psychic-ness on the part of the top. They have to try and gauge what it is that will work for the bottom, wile pretending it's "all about them" or whatever.

It intrigues me how there are so many ways to get from a to b and must of us take a different route yet end up at the same place (finished story). It's also fun to enter into an intelligent discourse with people who have something worthwhile and thoughtful to say on the subject!

Word. It is so cool to try and dissect all this stuff. I find it very fascinating.

[kahtyasofia.livejournal.com]

The fact that Tops must be 'psychic' is why communication is so vital.

I like dissecting this stuff and expressing differing views without ever feeling like someone is going to tell me my view is WRONG.

[rm.livejournal.com]

While the idea that bottoms in a BDSM context are in charge has some logic to it, I view it, to a given extent as a necessary fiction of the activity. If we do not say the bottoms are in charge, how can we say we are safe, sane and consensual or, at the very least, how can we all agree on what safe, sane and consensual is.

To my mind, BDSM has a lot of polite fictions, not all of them useful, especially in fiction.

I would argue that a bottom, while potentially in control of the activities engaged in or their intensity, is not and often should not be in control of the narrative that drives them. Conversely, sure, sometimes a bottom with come up with a bit of dirty talk about what's going on in their head and that can be a push towards a certain script, but as someone who has a lot of experience with both roles -- if I give up control, I want to have an out, sure, but I don't want to get exactly what I think I want -- what the fuck is the point of that? And if I'm topping, pushy subs really aren't all that cute most of the time, and while their narrative may be interesting and informative to me, I'm not a big fan of succumbing to it in the moment.

Of course, I also worked as a pro for a while, and there's few things more aggravating than a pushy sub who's demanding good customer service while you're trying to whip him into the next time zone.

[kahtyasofia.livejournal.com]

Now, see...I've never worked as a pro. Amateur only, here. In my experience, which is really the only thing I can speak from, there has usually been some give and take in who's 'in charge' of the narrative and the intensity. With me there tends to be an emotional component, too, though. If I care for someone I only really want to hurt them as much as they want to be hurt.

I've never liked a pushy sub, either. I preferred to get the details of what they were looking for before hand, then go for it. Stop trying to direct me! If you failed to tell me what you needed before hand, remember it for next time or suffer the consequences (by which I mean a lack of satisfaction!).

Do I really believe bottoms are in charge? Or as you say, is that a polite fiction? I think it's a polite fiction. As I first said, there is a belief that bottoms are in charge. I strongly believe that they need to have the ultimate out in the event of panic, or we are not safe, sane and consensual. I like to play around with shifting power dynamics in my fiction but when it comes to the sex, the shifting dynamics in those scenes are usually a stand in for something larger going on.

Or I'm deluding myself, which is possible, too.

[loveslashangst.livejournal.com]

Amateur only here too, mostly because my one pro gig didn't work out so well.

I think that in a really GOOD Top/Bottom Dom/Sub relationship, there's more than a little give and take. The whole point of getting to Sub for someone is to abandon control. To get lost in the moment. To trust that the Top will take you farther than you could go on your own, but not so far as to do damage. I think that's why so many people in positions of high stress and responsibility will tend to go Sub in their personal lives. For once they don't have to choose.

This is also why I have a fetish for Dom!Ianto, who I think has all the potential of being the unlikeliest (and therefore hottest) Top. But I also think it's something he'd have to learn. And he'd have to trust pretty thoroughly whoever taught him, because there are few things more off-putting to someone like Ianto than being awkward, tolerated, or the victim of public ridicule.

This is why Owen!Ianto slash is either painfully bad or so smoking hawt it makes my screen melt.

I also agree that sex SHOULD be a mirror of the larger questions in a fic/relationship. People are never more themselves than when they have their clothes off. (And disrobing is such a useful literal metaphor in and of itself.) Sex can provide the lubrication (*another inappropriate giggle*) in the story and the character arcs, allowing these fictional people to move in directions they hadn't expected, and get them out of their complacency and daily canon routine.

This is why my personal pet peeve in Janto is "And then John comes in, is a violent rapist bastard, and Jack saves the day." Or "Ianto is so sweet and no one notices or appreciates him but Jack, who sexes him up and makes him feel better." Or (most pernicious of all) "And then Jack and Ianto have sex 'cause it's canon."

*eyeroll*

*yawn*

I go back to my diatribe, which holds true for my for-hire work too:

Tell me a STORY!

(*freely admits to Devil's Advocating*)

[kahtyasofia.livejournal.com]

I love Dom!Ianto. I do hot hold with weak or victim! Ianto. Jack is not a bully. There's more give and take and power shifting in that relationship than a lot of people give either of them credit for. I like situationally Dom!Ianto. Sometimes, it's right for my story for him to be in control. Other times, it's right for Jack to be. Nor, does Ianto always need to be saved by Jack. In fact, I've written an entire story where Ianto saved Jack's arse.

Anybody who writes either of these two like women isn't watching the same show I am.